4: Amanda Palmer.

Today's entry is the happier offspring of yesterday's. One thing leads to another, it's the way things go.

When I first became enamored with Panic!, they were touring with a band I'd never heard of called The Dresden Dolls. They made a video together while on tour, a music video to the Dolls' song "Backstabber" from their new album. This is that video (warning, strong language - though I doubt anyone who's reading this cares):



I found it pretty amusing, but I was only getting half of the laughs because, at the time, I was only familiar with the personalities of the Panic! members. I knew nothing about these "fucking mimes", as Spencer called them. But I liked the song, so I decided to try out the album.

I absolutely loved Yes, Virginia..., and wound up listening to their older albums as well. I soon found myself learning how to play their songs, playing the piano for real for the first time in probably six or seven years. The music was inspiring, moving, but my main focus was still Panic!.

Then the whole story I recounted in the last blog happened. Right before Hannah came to visit me, the Dolls' new compilation album, No, Virginia... was released. I got it but didn't get a real chance to listen to it before she got here. The Dolls weren't really her thing, so listening to them together wasn't really an option.

She left, broke my heart, yada yada, you already know the story.

No, Virginia... was there.

I fell into a deep depression, but this music was there for me to cling to. Amanda's voice, her words, her sounds helped put the pieces of me back together. When I was at the lowest I'd ever been, this record saved me.

I soon found out that Amanda's solo album, Who Killed Amanda Palmer was scheduled to come out a couple months later, that August, right around my birthday. I got really excited. I stopped paying so much attention to Panic!, and somehow, Amanda became my new obsession.

No, it was more than that; Amanda became my hero.

Her music has moved me in ways that no one else's ever has. I think "Strength Through Music" is one of maybe three songs that has ever made me cry.

She was going on a tour that fall to support the album. Tickets went on pre-sale in September. I'd found out earlier that day that my new friend Tyler liked The Dresden Dolls, and I asked if he'd go to the show in Portland in December with me. It was on his birthday, but he planned on it. My mom pre-ordered the tickets and December 12th was constantly on my mind as it approached ever so slowly.

During this time I also made a new friend over the internet named Katie. She lives in Ireland and she told me she had just seen Amanda play in Dublin, and that she had met Amanda and gotten a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I was in shock. I had no idea Amanda did signings and meet and greets after every single show. I was going to meet her! I was going to meet my hero! The anticipation for December grew even larger.

We went to the show. We got there very early, and were second in line behind two girls named Catilin and Ellery. We spent the next two hours or so talking to them and, of course, waiting. The doors finally opened.

There were opening acts.

Jason Webley is an amazing accordionist from Seattle and one of Amanda's best friends. He got us drunk in a very legal way and had us sing a drinking song. He was good, but I wanted Amanda.

The Builders and the Butchers are a local band. They were good, but I wanted Amanda.

Zoe Keating is a brilliant cellist. She was good, but I wanted Amanda.

Amanda was carried on to the stage in a veil, rising from the audience, rising from the dead.

I actually started crying. I was in the front row, and she was mere feet away from me. I had my new camera. I was supposed to be taking pictures, video. I tried, but I couldn't. She was right there. Why should I be watching her through a camera?

The show was magnificent. You should, in fact, try to find videos of her and the Danger Ensemble. It was easily the best concert I have ever been to (and lucky for Tyler, because it was his first concert - and on his birthday too!). Moving, like the music, but more interactive, more real. Incredible. There are simply no words that can accurately describe it.

I went to the merch table and bought a poster and The Virginia Companion (the sheet music from Yes, Virginia... and No, Virginia...). My intention was to ask her to sign them.

Then someone shouted, "THERE WILL NOT BE A SIGNING TONIGHT! THE VENUE IS CLOSING."

My heart broke again.

We left, dejected. I figured, "it's okay, I'll meet her next time."

I found out the next day over Facebook, from Caitlin, that Amanda came outside later and talked to everyone that got kicked out but had waited around anyway. I was filled with so much regret that we didn't stay. It ate at me for months.

But I got my chance.

Amanda opened me up to the world of Twitter (yet another thing I'll have to blog about... ironically). Her Twitter account is very active. She uses it to make announcements of all sorts, chatter, and, more originally, be a ninja.

Sometime in either May or June, she started announcing ninja ukulele gigs wherever she happened to be if she had some spare time. She'd go to a park or some other public place, and announce over Twitter that she'd be there. People could show up. They could donate money if they wanted to, but it wasn't necessary. The point was connecting with fans.

In July, she started tweeting that she was in Portland at a hotel. I was surprised that she was there at all, as she really had no reason to be from what I could tell, but excited that she was so close. On the night of July 8th, she tweeted that she was having a random get together in a strip club in Portland. I was 18, so technically, I could have gone, but I had no way of getting there because no one I knew that could have driven me from Woodland to Portland (over a half hour drive) wanted to go to a strip club. I was disappointed, but I knew I'd get my chance.

The next day, she tweeted that there would be a ninja uke gathering. I rushed to figure out plans. I ended up catching a ride with my friend Sam, who lives even further north in Washington, and loves Amanda just as much as I do. I brought my ukulele and the WKAP DVD for her to sign. Tyler and Andrew were already in Portland and went there as well.

They got there early and were able to grab a good spot near Amanda when she showed up.

We, however, got there late. Sam's friends didn't know their way around Portland and we got very, very lost. But we made it.

I showed up in the middle of Amanda playing "If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out" on her ukulele. There was a pretty large crowd sitting around her. I stood there looking for Andrew and Tyler, and was shocked to see them sitting right next to her. I snuck behind her and sat down next to them. She was sitting just a couple feet away from me. It was pretty surreal, but I didn't cry, not like the first time. I think I had better prepared myself, somehow.

She finished the song and had apparently noticed me sitting down behind her. She turned around and said "hi." Somehow, I said "hi" back. She told me I had a nice ukulele. I thanked her. And she went back to playing.

The whole thing was really great. She played a lot of songs, there was a lot of chatting, she read from the (not yet released) Who Killed Amanda Palmer book (stories by Neil Gaiman, pictures by many, many people). Jason Webley showed up. They played "Elephant, Elephant" together on top of an elephant statue in the park. Jason played his own "Last Song". Just as he was about to leave, I caught him and asked him to sign my ukulele. Instead of actually signing it, he just drew a little picture of himself. Adorable, actually. I also asked Amanda to sign it really quickly. My previously awesome ukulele was now a million times more awesome.

Jason left. Amanda stood around and went, slowly but surely, through the crowd of people, giving hugs, signing, talking and taking pictures. She got to me.

I calmly, somehow, told her that she's my hero and that No, Virginia... brought me out of a major depression. She said that was interesting, that she'd never heard anyone say that before because that was such an odd record (it was all B-sides and leftover recordings from Yes). I had Tyler ask her to sign my DVD (I felt weird having her sign two things) and she talked to Andrew as well. She gave us hugs and took pictures. I think one of the strangest parts for me was when she laid her head down on my shoulder. It was so affectionate and... I don't really know how to describe it.

See, here's the thing about Amanda: she's not like most other artists. She really cares about her fans and wants to connect with them, regardless of how famous she gets. There aren't many musicians left that will do that; there are too many people at the show to have a meet and greet, signings only happen once in a blue moon, hugs, what are those? I think that's a huge part of what's drawn me to her so much - she's just so real.

My obsession with Panic! was an entirely different thing. They were real people, sure, but they felt like fictional characters. They were very far away, disconnected, out of reach, and I think that's part of why the whole fanfiction thing was okay with me. I didn't feel like they were real. I could slash them just like I could slash any anime character.

That's not to say I couldn't write fanfiction about Amanda, but it would be a very different thing. It would most likely be a WKAP story. They actually encourage that sort of thing - there's a website, http://wekilledamandapalmer.com that takes submissions of pictures and stories inspired by WKAP. I've actually gotten a picture up there and Andrew has as well. Andrew, Tyler and I (as well as a couple other friends here and there) started our own Who Killed project, at http://whokilled.deviantart.com.

So I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that Amanda Palmer has changed my life drastically. Her music and art has inspired me like no other. She's changed me for the better. She's made me try new things I may not have tried before. It's because of her I started playing piano again. It's because of her I took up the ukulele.

And it's because of her that my heart is no longer broken.